Very Dissapointing Week

This has be an extremely dissapointing week.

First, I have applied to so many jobs - many of them ideally suited to me - but I have not heard from anyone; not even a rejection. This has been a very frustrating experience, and I had not expected this kind of radio silence from the potential hirers. I am not really sure how to proceed with the job search because I have become very disillusioned.

Second, I got a rejection from Credit Suisse Private Banking (CSPB). When I saw an opening for a strategist at CSPB on Nov 23 I immediately wrote to my former boss. I was expecting him to ignore my e-mail and was pleasantly surprised when forward my e-mail to Giles Keating head of CSPB research. Giles wrote me back, which was encouraging and directed me to talk to Robert Wesseinstein, the CIO of CSPB-US. I didn't want to do at first so I used my contacts at CSPB to find the hiring manager. After couple of e-mail correspondence, I was told to contact Robert, which I did. Robert forwarded my message to a CSPB recruiter, who e-mailed me on Monday saying that I "did not meet their profile". Through former colleague I had found the position was open since May so I was quite sure that it would be tough to get it (they are looking for an ideal candidate) but I was hoping that at least they would give me an opportunity speak.

Third, day after tomorrow (Dec 10) will be the anniversary of my lay-off. This has been in Queen Liz II's words "annus horriblus" - hopefully next year would be a better year.

The question now is how am I going to proceed ahead. I still have this desire to be "my own boss" which means owning a business but I am not sure what kind. Ideally, if the business is successful i.e. generating good earnings $150K-200K is good, then it will give me flexibility me to travel to Nepal every now and then - that's what I really want. But I am scared to do the business because I am not sure if I am built for it.

Business! But what, how and when?

Although my interest and enthusiasm for looking for a job has grown since my failure at day-trading I am still not fully convinced that it is the way forward. More distressingly, I have not been able to deploy my network. I remember a friend who got laid off in 2001 and aggressively used his network to land in a job within couple of months - granted that 2009 is much more worse than 2001 I should be able to make some headway. It is not for lack of trying. I have tried to rejuvinate my old contacts - bosses, colleagues etc but it has not led to anything. May be I need a better strategy to make it work.

I still cannot get over the fact that I want to own a business. I still dream of owning a "super cashflow rich" business and doing something in Nepal. But looking from a practical point of view I am not sure if I can jump into a business right now. I feel that I do not have any practical training. THE RISK APPEAR SO GREAT. Even if I cannot a business now, I will still think about it an do something when I am 45-50. I think I am prepared better with the lay-off than ever.

I think the strategy is to seriously look for a job but also constantly think about entreprenurial ideas. Hopefully one will materialize soon.

Must Continue to Jot Down Notes...

Have not updated the online diary in a while. A lot has changed since I last wrote early last month. I must continue to write my thoughts because this is probably the most confusing periods for me in my life. If I don't write about this period on a regular basis, I will be missing a lot things.

First, the day trading has come to an end. My losses has been quite staggering around $15K but 90%+ of that is transaction costs. Essentially, my dream of making $500-$1000 a day has vapourized. I realized that day trading is much harder than I had anticipated. The most depressing part of this experience is that started this endeavor in April when S&P500 was around 700, and since then the market has gone straight up, to 1,100+ but I was not able to partake on the ride. I was trading GS when it was around $100, now it's around $180; GOOG around $300, now its $550+; JPM around $30, now its around $50. Basically, if I didn't make it doing day-trading during one of the most bullish periods in the market, then I don't I can make it at all. I have not totally given up on trading but I think I need to focus on swing trading and less on day trading BUT for now I need to reduce my risk exposure substantially because I do not want to run out of money.

Everyone Has A House

Went Boston for a relative's wedding. It was an enjoyable trip. My wife had fun but my son had fantastic time. It was great to seem him socialize with other kids. I am sometimes afraid that he might have social awkwarndess that I have but looks like that is not the case.

Visited a friend and a college/HS friend. Both had houses. I thought it was nice to have a house and space but the more important was the neighbors. For that reason I like my friend's house. Location-wise I was not very impressed - may be that's because I am spoilt by the NYC skyline view from my apartment.

While thinking about stuff, I realized that what I was missing was not a house but a vocation that I really enjoy and long-life. I really do not want to work as a professional-coolie trying to meet someone else's agenda. May be owing a small business is not a bad idea. I read an article on Charlie Rose about him on Fortune where he tells that he had fond memories of him working at his father's store while growing up. I do not think a lot of children of professional's have that kind of memories.

Of course I do not want to own a store. In my ideal of the ideal worlds, I would own an investment fund that invests in a variety of businesses but there will be a core business that will generate the required money. I NEED A CASH-COW BUSINESS. It might take a while to get into this business but I need to think ahead. Even if I look for a job it will be a short-term assignment before I really push into my "own thing".

OLD DIARIES from Cell Phone

18 May, 2009
Terrible day for me trading. Despite the market being up 22 points, I lost $230. YTD, I am break-even, which is not good. Today's loss as well as last Thursday's loss was due to me betting against GS - the reaking stock has such a strong up-trend. I will stop trading it and focus on more stable stocks.

I am very anxious to get positive results because I cannot afford to go on like this. I have no backup plan and I am not too enthusiastic about getting a job. I need to be more focused because I do not think I am taking it seriously. I need to eat, live and breadth trading. I actually don't think it is that hard; it is just matter of positioning the right amount at the right time.

April 29, 2009
I am getting little nervous abut my financial situation. The main reason is that trading is not going as well as I had expected. In fact, it is quite difficult to make money off trading without taking too much risk.

My current strategy is to earn at least $100K a year which averages $9K a month. If I assume $3K from day then I need $7K from swing. $3K over 20 days in a month amount to $150/day which should not be difficult.

The key issue on any trading is RISK MANAGEMENT i.e. not take excessive risk. The risk reward should be 1-to-5.

The other aspect of trading is when to stop following a BIG WIN. The rule of thumb is $500 day and $10K month.

I also need to look for a job but I have not made any progress. I am still not sure I should take just any job. I deally I would like to get a job that will give me exposure to be a successful investor.

Ideally I would like to be asset trader - buy & sell assets. May be also own cash-cow business.

Part 2
I need to look for a job but I am not sure that's the best way to achive my life-long goal, which is to be a successful investor in the mold of Li Ka-shing rather than a hedge fund manager. By that I mean own a cash-flow rich business and leverage that to expand the business empire. I am not sure if I want to spend life as a professional.

If I were to pursue professional path, the likely route would be to work for buy-side - pension fund, endowment fund, wealth management. The idea is to leveage my background.

Ideally if I can be a successful trader a lot of things will fall into place because it will give me financial flexibility.


April 27, 2009
Not feeling great. I have sinking feeling that this trading thing may not work out despite my deep desire to make it a success. Part of the reason is my trading record thus far, which not that stellar. Part of the reason is I have not been able to develop successful strategy. May be I have not tried hard enough. May be I should be aggressive in swing trading. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT I NEED AT LEAST 10K/MONTH TO JUSTIFY WHAT I AM DOING - SAY 3K FROM DAY AND 7K FROM SWING - AND I SHOULD GET THOSE RESULTS MONTHS AFTER MONTHS. DEFINITELY MUCH HARDER.

April 25, 2009
I am starting get little worried about my finance. My concern is that cash out-flow will start big time after August when company-paid health insurance runs out. And in October unemployment insurance runs out. I am not sure if I want to do just any job.

April 18, 2009
Nice day. Had a good run outside and it's time for reflection whiel watching the Manhatten skyline and Hudson river bay.

Called mom and it felt weird. There seems to be a distance. I felt quite sad about it. It seemed like we were strangers. My fear is that if I don't make an effort the distance will only grow. I think I need to find something - a business(?) that will keep us connected. May be I should use lay-off opportunity to do that.

Ideally I want to be in position where I can visit Nepal every dashai. May be I should start an investment fund. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO SEVERE MY CONNECTION TO NEPAL. IF I HAD PLANNED PROPERLY I WOULD HAVE BEEN WELL-OFF FINANCIALLY BY NOW TO PURSUE THEM. MAY BE I SHOULD PLAN MY CAREER AROUND IT.

April 16, 2009
It is a very nice day - the first this Spring. I am in the Battery Park taking a break from trading. It is really nice with lots of tourists. My mind is somewhere. Today has been a terrible trading day. My $ loss has only been around $100 but all my trades except one has been negative. I have been getting killed by WMT. Hopefully, when I go back things will be better.

I am thinking about the ideal job. It'd like it to be respectable, meaningful, financially rewarding and meet my criteria (no micro-managing boss, flexible, limited travel) but I don't such job exits. IF I CAN MAKE DAY-TRADING WORK IT COULD ACTUALLY BE IDEAL. I could finance small biz on the side and really pursue my passion - NEPALI ECONOMY & INVESTMENT. It may notbe as financially rewarding as working at an investment bank but I will be much happier.

April 14, 2009
I need to seriously think about my career. I do want to give a best shot at day-trading but I do not think it will be viable long-term unless I develop steller track record. . Given my experience thus far I have lot further to go to prove to myself. Ideally, if I can become a successful trader, it will give me lot of financial flexibility to do many other things including enterprenuer ventures. THE MAIN WORRY FOR ME IS THE VOLATILITY OF EARNINGS AND STRESS FROM MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. One of the goals is to maintain emotional balance whether in success or in failure.

End of Day
My short-bet on GS worked as planned but my intra-day trading results are still anemic. Actually I am gaining some confidence on swing trading but I do not want to overplay it. There was bid down-move in financials today but I could not parly on it. I CANNOT LET OPPORTUNITIES LIKE TODAY JUST GO AWAY.


April 13, 2009
Not a good day. First, trading was awful because I panicked and sold when I should have held on. So instead of profits, I had losses. I am not sure if I can actually do trading. I have put a short position on GS because it's EPS is released tomorrow but since it has moved up so much, it is "sell on the news" day. Hope I am not wrong otherwise it will be further sap my confidence.

I really have to figure out strategy for daily trading. At this rate I am not getting there, which is scary.

Frankly speaking, I really want to succed in this BUT WHAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT MORE STRESSFUL THAN I THOUGHT.

The critical thing missing is still trading strategy.

April 1, 2009
This is the first day of the month and I am not feeling great. Actually it is the same feeling I had yesterday evening. Yesterday, my trades were bad. Moreover, I got stressed by not being able to claim FSA on the last day of eligible period.

Today's trading was also bad. In fact, it was terrible. I missed the morning rally, and in the afternoon could not trade volatility properly. I MUST FIX THIS PROBLEM ASAP BECAUSE I AM GETTING VERY NERVOUS. It has been 3 days since I started trading and none has been a positive day for me. I AM QUITE ANXIOUS TO FIX THIS PROBLEM.

Another very frustating day TRADING!!!

Yesterday was another frustrating day trading. I lost around $160 and with commisions, it will be more like $300, ouch! I had similar loss the day before. I cannot sustain this level of bleeding for long. I am very pessemistic and quite frustrated with my track record day-trading. Looks like instead of November, I will be out by the end of September. If I do not make $1000 in at least one day in September, I will dramatically curtail my trading.

I am not exactly sure how to fix my trading problem. There are several possible reasons,
(a) I am not able to control my emotions. As such I make very poor decisions.
(b) My trading set-up is not working properly. The resistance points and reversal points are not properly identified.
(c) I am not harvesting profits appropriately.
(d) Most importantly, the win-loss ratio is out of whack.

The bottom-line is that I need to see dramatic improvement in my trading record otherwise I am out of the business sooner than later.

Summer is Over! Time for Serious Action

The summer of 2009 is officially over today and my personal situation is as bad as it has ever been. I am not sure what's in store for me in 3 months time because November/December are critical months for me financially - my unemployment runs out in November (I think) and my COBRA subsiday expires in December - but I am ready more than ever for the battle - my own Battle of Buldges.

Psychologically I am more determined than ever to make the best out of my situation. Sometimes I feel that my current situation is a "blessing in disguise" because it gives me flexibility to basically do whatever I want without a baggage. But at other times I feel that it is a serious bump in my career progress. This mixed feeling is coming from the fact that I really feel left out from my peers in terms of career progress. I just heard yesterday, an acquaintance from college (Gaurav Seth) has become a MD at Goldman Sachs - I was like wow! Another (Richard Okello) manages multi-billion dollar fixed income fund. On Nepali side, Pawan (one of best friends) is on the road to riches in the middle east.

The bottom-line is that I have to think about two things. First, what's important (family-friends, finance, Nepal). Second, I need to seriously think about career. I think this experience will probably help me become a better person because it will probably force be to do things I wanted to do but didn't bother to do because I did not have to. If it does not kill, it'll make you strong.

The Ideal Plan

The main reason for my life-long melancholy is the lack of passion in my vocation. I desperately want to grab onto something that I really feel passionate about, and also supports me financially and has social value especially to my family, community and country (US is too big for me, so it got to be Nepal). I do not think that someone out of the blue is going to come and lay my dream voaction on my feet and say "please take it". So the only alternative is me. In other words, I have to be something I have never been in my life before, I need to be a go getter.



Before I go and try to get "it", I need to know what "it" is. But it may not be easier to find given that

What is the Plan Now?

My "job" right now is trading. I started in April. When I first started it, I gave it a 60/40 chance of success. After 5 months of track record I am not so sure. The results have NOT been unmitigating disaster but surely have been very dissapointing. I have not lost any money on trades but my gains have not covered the trading costs. The bottom-line is, on a net basis, I lost money every month. This is obviously not sustainable; and at this time, I give it a 25/75 chance of success.

I am giving another 3 months at most for trading to work. The definition of work is that I need to make be at least $3,000 in one of the months. If it does not work, I will quit working on it full-time. The goal of trading is to help cover living costs, which is not that high, around $3,000/month.

Since I had dreamt of doing this full-time even when I was working full-time at CSFB I need to make an ernest effort to make it work. I REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT WORK. I do have couple of months of data and experience, and I need to evaluate what worked and didn't work and try to learn from "best practices". I NEED TO WRITE A PROPER BUSINESS PLAN.

Since I am not confident that trading will work, I need to seriously work on my job-search. I have lost all the momentum since March-April because I was "hoping that trading will help me buy time" but obviously that's not the case. I need to start from ground up especially psychologically. The reason I lost all the momentum was because of lack of progress. I did get calls from potential employers but nothing panned out beyond phone interviews. THE BOTTOM-LINE IS THAT I HAVE TO PURSUE A MUCH SMARTER JOB SEARCH STRATEGY.

In my heart of heart, I do not want to get a job and work 9-5 because I will not feel content with that. I need to have ownership of something.

Back to the Basics

Have not been feeling very well psychologically. Just not in a mood to do anything. Have not exercised in more than a week. I have a feeling that I am at an inflexion point in my life/career and I am inextricably heading towards total ruin. I know I need to take strong action to fix things before it is too late but I lack the motivation. I am starting to lose confidence in my ability to execute plans. I think this lack of confidence comes from two factors. First, my inability to move ahead at CSFB. And more recently, my total lack of success in my trading venture.

My CSFB experience was a total fiasco at least post-2004. That's when my mentor left the firm and I pursued a strategy of "hanging-on as long as I can". In retrospect that was a wrong strategy because it put me in a dis-advantegeous position because I was in a "survior mode" rather than "conqering mode". I went with the flow because that was the "path of least resistance". More depressingly, I did not seriously try to carve out an alternative because "I was hoping things will take care of themeselves". Obviously they didn't. I did not have any currency with the managers of the department such that I didn't have any sponsors that looked after my career. I knew this was happening but regrettably, I did not take any action to correct it or to find alternative route.

Looking back at CSFB experience I feel terrible that I played safe and did not take professional risk. I should have been promoted to VP in 2003-04 and instead even in 2008-09 I was still an Associate. This had a terrible psychological impact on me because I could see my peers moving ahead and doing great things.

At Credit Suisse, I could have taken many corrective actions.
(a) I could have tried to leave the firm for another in the same position. That's what my colleage Brad did.
(b) I could have tried to change department. To my credit, I did make an attempt - to work with private banking strategist - but it did not pan out. I could have gone to Singapore to cover Indian economy, which could have been an interesting venture but I passed that also (but to my credit, I was just married, just bought an apartment, was finishing up my MBA).
(c) I could have tried to seriously look into something that different. To my credit, I did try trading. In fact, I was so frustrated at times that I imagined quitting to focus on trading full time. But obviously, I was not terribly good at it and I should have been more thorough with my investments.

The second reason for my deep frustration is that my "trading" vocation is going nowhere. I really wanted to be able to use it to cover my living expenses, a measely $3000/month but I don't think I can even do that. I have identified several problems (a) I have not taken advantage of big moves either up or down, esp up (b) I have been over-trading (c) when I made a loss I lost of my discipline (d) most importantly, my stock selection to trade has been terrible.

In my heart of heart, I want to succeed in trading. If I am good/decent at it, I can continue doing so even when do other things like take a new job or do something else.

Plan B, C and D

Day trading is not working. Yesterday was a typically bad day. Lost almost $700+ but managed to trim down the loss to less than $400 by taking huge long position on WMT but with 55,000 shares traded, the total loss will still be $500+. The main reason was really bad call on MCD and TGT. My emotion caught me when I missed a big mid-day rally. I then put big long-positions on those two stocks without realizing that they were on a down-trend. Had a wide stop-loss. Left the desk at +$100 and came back and I was down $400+; really awful. I cannot sustain myself with this level of bleeding. In my prop account, which I closed last week due to my failure to pass Series 55, I was break-even in actual profit but if I took into account transaction costs, I was down $4,000.

The next couple of months will be make or break for me in terms of day-trading. I really need to very astute and discipline trader. I really need to focus on my risk-reward, and if the reward is high enough, then put large position to take advantage of the possible gain. My main short coming has been that I have failed to register huge gains because my positions have been limited. My gains have to be huge and losses small.

At this rate, the day-trading thing will not work. I should know it for sure by the end of November. I need to start seriously planning for Plans B, C and D before it is too late.

I really do not miss working at Credit Suisse because the last few years had been so frustrating. I felt that my career had totally stalled. In fact, 2004-08 were the dark years. That's after my manager Paddy left and that's when I lost the momentum in my career as I tried to hung to my position without realizing that I should have taken the risks and taken initiative to take control. I was risk-averse and I paid with my stalled-career. And now my 36 and trying to find a vocation.

Working again in the financial sector is the obvious choice but it is not my first choice. If I were to go back I need to have the full support of the mangers. Also I need to go into the area which is not dead-end.

Getting Stressed Out

It is 5:00am but have been awake since 3:00am. Slept at 11:00pm. So not much sleep. Don't know why I woke up but I could not get back to sleep. Random thoughts kept me awake.

What is really stressing me out is the fact that I'm in "no man's land" in terms of career. My current "career" is day trading but thus far my performance has been awful. The problem is not that I am losing money out right, I am not, but that I am not making money enough to cover my trading expenses let alone cover my living expenses ($3000/month). And this is killing my account balance. I cannot sustain for long with this kind of bleeding.

Went to a "trading class" with the guy named David. It is not actually a class. What he does his talk about his recent trading activity - mostly about how much he has made in the past week or past month. Apparantly he is a very successful day trader but he really does not have a strategy, it'll intuition. While I don't get much out of it, it does help listen to a successful trader because it gives hope.

I changed my trading account to "retail" from "prop" because I could not pass Series 55. It is quite disheartening but my dissapointment soon gave away to the fact that I didn't have to pass it. The good thing is that "stops" work and that has helped me with my trading capability. However, my trading results have not improved. In fact, my trading volume has spiked up because of the "stops" caused me to over-trade.

I really need to improve my trading results. It has been almost 6 months since I started trading and I have no more excuses. May be my last excuse is that August is a horrible month to trade and may be I should be extra-cautious during this period. If my trading results do not improve significantly by end of November, I need to seriously consider Plan B and Plan C.

Talking about alternative plans, I need to put in the seeds now because waiting for November/December will be too late. What I really need to do is to think of alternatives, which I have not.

More later.

I am starting to get nervous

It is the beginning of August, which means almost 8 months of joblessness is fast approaching. I am losing my company-sponsored free healthcare at the end of the month. Beginning September I will have to pay government subsized healthcare through COBRA until December and then I am on my own. That is a pretty scary thought. Also fast approaching is the end of unemployment benefits, I think it runs out at the end of October. Under my calculation, I need between $3,000-$3,500 a month to maintain my current life style, which is $40K post-tax and $60K pre-tax.

My first hope was to make the day-trading pay for my living expenses while I think about my long-term plans but I am now realizing that it's not as "easy" as I first thought. Even after several months of doing, I am basically break-even meaning that I am losing on the trading costs which runs $100-$150 a day. There will be positive and negative days but I need to make positive days "blockbusters" and limit downsides on negative days. I am now giving up on my "prop" account because I could not pass Series 55 and only focusing on being a "retail" trader. The downside is that I'll have less leverage, only 4x versus 10x but I've never fully used up my leverage and so it really does not matter.

I am assuming that the slow summer months is the cause for my trading results. That means I am giving myself until November to see if this trading really works for me. If not, I will have to think about something else by next year.

I am still in a job-hunting mode. Although I am not very enthusiastic about getting another Job, I am getting more enthusiastic than before. That partly reflects my desire to have more financial security. Nothing has panned as of yet but I am hopeful that something will soon. If it is a job, I need to stick to my interest, which is investment research or active investment. One thing I am pinning my hope on is my former colleague/manager might land on something in the US (he is currently in the UK) and he'll ask me to join his team but we'll see.

If there is god, and s/he is listening to me and wants to fulfill my inner desire, then it goes something like this. I have a successful cash-flow business (real estate?) which finances my living and my successful trading business and also gives me flexibility to go back and forth between US and Nepal. It allow me to get involved in Nepal in some capacity whether business, policy or art and culture. Recently, I have become very intereted in producing quality Nepali films. I think there are so many unique stories there that if a qualifty film can be made, there will be audience and (may be) awards.

Thing About Job Search AGAIN

Did my first intra-day trading with great trepedation yesterday. It was a bad day for the US stock market with Dow below 6,800 for the first time since 1997 and S&P500 touching below 700 for the first time since October 1996. All the sectors were hit especially financials. I put in 2 small trades on a major US financial company and made
1.2% return on each (after holding for 1/2 and hour or so). The actual dollar amount involved was small so the $ return was also very small. What I realized through that experience was that earning a living by trading may be possible BUT will be incredibly stressful. BUT I AM OF A MINDSET TO GIVE IT A FULL TRY. IT IS THE ONLY HOPE I HAVE OUT THERE.

While I will spend disportionate portion of the day trading and improving my trading skills, I also need to have PLAN B in case that does not work. The Plan B is of course look for a job. Recently I have lost interest in doing that partly because my main barometers of my job prospect are DOW and S&P500 given my interest in a job in the financial sector. When the financial market is in tail-spin finding a job in the financial sector will be almost impossible in my view. ANYWAY, I WILL HAVE TO REMAIN FOCUSED ON THIS AREA AND STILL EMPLOY AT LEAST 2 HOURS OF THE DAY ON THIS. I feell fortunate because I am not spending 100% of the day looking for a job - that'll be suicidal in my view.

Like I am writing a business plan, I need to write plan for a job search so that it provides me a road-map.

My Melancholy

My job hunt is in its 3rd month BUT it is going nowhere. I am not expecting anything better anyway - yesterday the BEA reported 6.3% decline US GDP in Q4 2008 but more omniously weekly continuing claims are still trending up (and likely to through the year). Economic news globally is as dismal as it has been in decades. I am expecting social and political turmoil in the different parts of the world something akin to the fall of the Communism in the late 1980s; we'll see how China fares through this economic crisis.

My last paycheck came in 2 weeks ago although payments for unused vacation came in yesterday (I had to request it because my employer conveniently forgot about it), my unemployment kicked in last week (it's too little to survive on though) and my company-sponsored health insurance expires today :( I will have free healther insurance for the next 6 months, I also have Bloomberg for the next 3 months that could be extended for another 3 more months (according to a salesperson) and my unemployment insurance also lasts for 6 months. Essentially, after 6 months I am on my own. The bottom-line is that I should have figured out something to "earn cash" in the next 6 months or so.

Yes, I am looking for a job and hoping to land on something soon but frankly I am not terribly excited about taking another corporate job. I had bitter experience with my earlier employer where I spent more than 10-years without making tangible carer progress. In retrospect that had to do with not having a rabbi that took me under his/her wings. I don't know why it happened - it could be my personality, my appearance, my accent or just who I am - but I don't think that'll change now. Moreover, the chances of me working under an up-coming young-gun is high which further diminishes my urge for a corporate job. Yes corporate jobs especially Wall Street types have perks - steady paycheck, subsidized health insurance etc - but the quality of life will likely become unbearable. I don't think I will be excited to wake up in the morning everyday to spend the day in a cubical trying to fulfill someone else' agenda. I have "been there done that".

While having serious doubts about corporate job, I am still looking for one, albeit not wholeheartedly just in case I find a jewel in the midst of husk. Went to career counselling organized by my business school alma mater. Met half-a-dozen alums who have been laid off from mostly financial institutions; within the group, I was probably the youngest - if not in age, in my MBA degree; I was the most recent. There were 3 men and 5 women and s0me were pretty senior. On one hand it made me feel good that I was not alone but on the other it made me feel that it will be a while before I land on something nice given the calibre of people out on the street. During a discussion someone mentioned that the number of applicants for a job was staggering 1,70o or something, showing the time we are in now.

Given the tough job market, the message of the career counselors was that we have to be smart about job search. By smart, they meant networking. According to them, in this kind of environment when the competition is intense, networking will differentiate you from other candidates. In fact they said 70%-80% of job nowadays are gotten through networking. I have heard that term before and I have gone to countless sessions that told you how to do that. I have even tried building professional network but it never took off. My personal view on it is, either/or - either you are a good networker or you are not and I tend to be on the "not" category. Since layoff, I have not done network beyond the circle of friends and acquantainces but I guess I need change that. Moreover, networking is not just for a job search but also to achieve broader goals in life.

Besides networking, we need to be prepared to tell our professional narrative and aspirates in crisp form whenever opportunity arises. This is something I will have to work on. I had couple of phone interviews but they didn't lead me to actual interviews. In fact, a head-hunter told me that my interviewing skills were not great. I had to agree. I haven't seriously searched for a job in 10 years and naturally my interviewing skills, not great to start with has become even more rustly. This is my immediate goal and I am working that with my alma mater and also with a Career Coaching firm my company has provided me with for a month.

My experiences with job search has been that I don't have control over it and generally speaking it is a fairly passive process. If I had just focused on that, by now, I would have been depressed, if not suicidal. Fortunately for me, there are other things going on. I am trying to improve one particular website/blog which one day will be a "big thing" not in terms of money (its aimed towards being a non-profit) but in terms of influence/impact. More importantly I am spending serious quality time with my 2-year old son; if I didn't have this chance, I would have regretted. But 6 month deadline is fast approaching (time moves fast) and I need to think about PLAN B in case PLAN A (still a corporate job) does not pan out. I need "positive cash flow" with the next 6 months because I am the family's bread-winner. I am considering becoming an active stock trader. Actually, considering is not the right word, I am pursuing it. My personal investment record thus far has been terrible; in fact, if had just kept my money in cash, I would have been a "rich man". But be as it may, I am determined to be a successful trader.

In the past few weeks I have learnt a lot about being a good trader. It was more than understanding fundamental and technical indicators. It is more about mind-set, game plan and strategies. I am still at a fairly stage and I hope to write on it in details soon. I am not sure whether I can make a living out of it (anecdotally less than 10% of those who try make it) but I willing to give a try. One thing for sure, I am excited about it because it gives me a sense of control over my destiny. In fact, this prompts me to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and gives me a sense of hope through the day.

Not the Time to Compromise

My job prospect is getting more dismal as the day goes by. I am getting extremely pessimistic about getting a "respectable job" in the next few months because of the dearth of opportunities and the deluge of bad economic news flow. While I am looking for a job, it is not something my heart is on because I know it is going to be a temporary gig; I do not think I have the aptitude or interest in moving up an organization and devoting my life to a company; I do not want to be a company man.

My heart is in doing something that I can build patiently over the course of my life. I like the idea of an investment firm that invests in something. What that something is, is the question. My experience thus far point to something related to stock and bond investment but I am not very enthusiastic about trading papers back and forth as the core of my business. I want to get involved with something tangible; of course I will do stocks-bonds trading on the side.

What I am interested in investing in small and medium size businesses, preferably with immigrant entrepreneurs. I want to work with real people who are trying to setup and grow their businesses. If I am successful, the personal satisfaction will be much greater. Moreover, I can transfer these skills to Nepal (private equity in Nepal) or be able to conduct Nepal-US business, which is my ultimate goal. While it sounds good and all, there are couple of problems with this idea. First, I do not have the track record to solicit money. So the only way to pursue this idea is get my hands dirty by owning and operating the business; that requires a very competent and trustworthy team made up of people with experience in operations, marketing and legal. Second, the US is in the midst of a prolonged recession and starting a business in such dire time does not sound attractive, but a counter-intuitive thinking suggest that it might be best time because businesses will be valued more conservatively. The key is to find businesses that can withstand a prolong downturn i.e. those involved in basic need industries; gasoline and groceries and may be dollar-store type businesses.

Another important consideration is my financial situation. I need to earn something this at least covers my living and health insurance. If it leaves extra to invest in other ventures so much the better. I will probably think about multiple income source initially because running a business may not provide enough. Those include taking part-time gig, running another simultaneously and also getting real estate license (this is particularly important if one my businesses is going to be real estate).

Getting Anxious

I am starting to get quite anxious about my job prospects given that my 2-month anniversary is fast approaching. I have number reasons to be concerned. First, I have applied to number of jobs. All but one rejected me. The one that gave me a phone interview was perhaps the most suited to my experience. I thought I nailed the interview but I have not heard back from them - it's been more than a week. Granted that I was not too enthusiastic about this job given its location (Canada) but it would have boosted my confidence had there been a follow-up. Second, the number of jobs that are available are thinning and I guess that's part and parcel of job cuts that been announced daily by US corporations. Third, while I am willing to compromise on the job I am looking for I doubt that strategy will work given the available pool of labor. In this circumstance, I am sure employers will find the person with the exact set of experiences; if I were to try to be something I am not, I will likely not succeed because there will others who will be more suited to the job.

I have been sick for the past 10 days or so with flu (I am still sick with cough) and while in bed I did not think too much about job prospects but now I am getting better and I am starting to think; suddenly it dawn upon me that things are not as good as they. My paycheck will run out in a fortnight and my health insurance in 6 months; thereafter I have sign up for Cobra which is not the most financially wise way to pay for insurance.

Ideally, I would like to own an investment company that invests in small to medium size businesses in the US. But that requires capital. Capital can come from my own resources or from someone else. The former would have have been preferable but that's not my situation unless I win a huge lottery. The second option is the likely route but in order to make that possible, I need a good track record that I can sell to possible financiers. Working in the investment firm would be ideal but again I do not have the experience to get a job (it's chick-and-egg again). May be I can try to own/operate a small business and try to get experience from there and this is something I am seriously thinking about. My only concern is that given the recession, jumping into a business may not be the best idea.

While I am quite excited about owing an investment company, I am NOT excited about taking medium-paying dead-end jobs. I was terribly disappointed by my experience prior to my lay-off; true the salary and benefits were great and the work was interesting but my career stalled and made me terribly miserable; my self-confidence has eroded substantially. That's the reason why I do not miss my job although I sometime miss the pay-check.

Given the circumstance, I will have to push for a job but I have to be prepared for the alternative.

Day-Dreaming

It has been more than a month since I last posted my entry. Needless to say not much has ensued during the interim. I have half-heatedly searched for jobs; thus far gotten 1 interview but no follow-up, and few rejects. I became sick with flu last week and was bed-ridden for most of the time - this is the 1st occurrence in my memory. Before my illness, I had started to become quite undisciplined and more worryingly nonchalant about my job prospect.

While in bed last week, spent quite a lot of time day-dreaming. Usually such dreams entails me being a very successful investor with knack for knowing the dynamics of the market. With hindsight it is quite possible to have become a very successful investor and hence a filthy rich person if I had followed the cycle; worked at a start-up from 1996-99 then started a hedge-fund that shorted tech stocks during 2000-03 and longed real estate and industrial cyclicals from 2003-07 and shorted everything since then. I would used all those money to something tangible to Nepal.

While day-dreaming is a waste of time time it does have positive aspect besides being fun and enjoyable. It highlight the deepest desires in me. Based on my recent day-dreams, I do have very deep desire to do something in Nepal preferably in the economics/business sectors. Unfortunately, I do not have the capital necessary to make things happen; having $5-$10 million liquid would have made it possible for what wanted to do; live in Nepal comfortably while being able to afford to travel the world at a whim; oh well, what can you do.

The reason why I am not too excited about getting a job is because it does not fulfill my Nepal-centric goals. I will be toiling for 60+ hours a week, like past 5 years, and at the end of the day be satisfied with a salary and benefits; think life ought to be more than than that. I WANT TO BE AN INVESTOR IN NEPAL but before that I need capital and reputation to go along with it; being a salary man is not get me anywhere; besides I am hitting 40 soon; ouch.

I will incorporate a company (need to talk to a lawyer friend) that will partner with someone with operational experience to buy and grow a business. And that way I might get the experience needed to jump-start by business idea.