Have not been feeling very well psychologically. Just not in a mood to do anything. Have not exercised in more than a week. I have a feeling that I am at an inflexion point in my life/career and I am inextricably heading towards total ruin. I know I need to take strong action to fix things before it is too late but I lack the motivation. I am starting to lose confidence in my ability to execute plans. I think this lack of confidence comes from two factors. First, my inability to move ahead at CSFB. And more recently, my total lack of success in my trading venture.
My CSFB experience was a total fiasco at least post-2004. That's when my mentor left the firm and I pursued a strategy of "hanging-on as long as I can". In retrospect that was a wrong strategy because it put me in a dis-advantegeous position because I was in a "survior mode" rather than "conqering mode". I went with the flow because that was the "path of least resistance". More depressingly, I did not seriously try to carve out an alternative because "I was hoping things will take care of themeselves". Obviously they didn't. I did not have any currency with the managers of the department such that I didn't have any sponsors that looked after my career. I knew this was happening but regrettably, I did not take any action to correct it or to find alternative route.
Looking back at CSFB experience I feel terrible that I played safe and did not take professional risk. I should have been promoted to VP in 2003-04 and instead even in 2008-09 I was still an Associate. This had a terrible psychological impact on me because I could see my peers moving ahead and doing great things.
At Credit Suisse, I could have taken many corrective actions.
(a) I could have tried to leave the firm for another in the same position. That's what my colleage Brad did.
(b) I could have tried to change department. To my credit, I did make an attempt - to work with private banking strategist - but it did not pan out. I could have gone to Singapore to cover Indian economy, which could have been an interesting venture but I passed that also (but to my credit, I was just married, just bought an apartment, was finishing up my MBA).
(c) I could have tried to seriously look into something that different. To my credit, I did try trading. In fact, I was so frustrated at times that I imagined quitting to focus on trading full time. But obviously, I was not terribly good at it and I should have been more thorough with my investments.
The second reason for my deep frustration is that my "trading" vocation is going nowhere. I really wanted to be able to use it to cover my living expenses, a measely $3000/month but I don't think I can even do that. I have identified several problems (a) I have not taken advantage of big moves either up or down, esp up (b) I have been over-trading (c) when I made a loss I lost of my discipline (d) most importantly, my stock selection to trade has been terrible.
In my heart of heart, I want to succeed in trading. If I am good/decent at it, I can continue doing so even when do other things like take a new job or do something else.
